She is Vibrant

For a long time I watered down the vibrant colors of my soul. I dressed myself in black and white. Neutrals so as not to be seen and then rejected and shamed as I had been so many times before. All that shame and rejection taught me that I was not safe to be colorful therefore I had to disguise myself. A camouflage of sorts. And I speak of this both in literal and figurative terms.

In the literal, I actually dressed in mostly neutral colors. There were no lime greens, sky blues, deep magentas, royal purples, shades of red. And the reason I dressed like that in the literal, was because in the figurative I felt I had to hide my true colors in order to fit in. I had been taught that my true colors on the inside were too much and either needed to be watered down like soft water colors or they needed to be as neutral as possible so as not to ruffle any feathers. When really my true colors were deep and vibrant and alive. My true colors made other people feel uncomfortable because they too had vibrant colors they were too afraid to show. And in showing my colors it showed them just how much they had watered down their own. So, as they were taught to water themselves down, so too, they taught me.

For a long time I was conditioned to believe that certain colors didn’t look good on me and I shouldn’t wear them because they make me look unattractive. Sometimes it took several times being told this before I altered my behavior to abide by their rules and someone’s it’s was an instant submission, an immediate belief that if this person thought I didn’t look good then it was the absolute truth. Pretty much my whole life I’ve only worn silver because I was told that Gold didn’t go with my skin tone and i should stick to what does. While this may seem sort of irrelevant or shallow to some, it actually became a deep seated limiting belief for me that went far below the surface. And like most limiting beliefs, once it took root it began to grow branches and seep into other areas of my life.

For example: my belief that I didn’t look good in gold tuned into a belief that I didn’t look good in warm tones, then turned into the belief that I actually looked ugly in any warm or bright colors, which ultimately turned into the belief that I am unsafe to experiment and express myself the way I want to. I remember wearing gold once and some said to me “who do you think you are trying to wear gold like your worth anything?” We all know that gold is monetarily valuable. This comment phrased as a rhetorical question actually made me question my worth. I began to believe that I shouldn’t wear gold because when I did i was trying to be something I was not — valuable. From that moment on, I took off the gold necklace I had been given as such a sweet and precious gift and I never wore it again. I never wore gold again. I was 12.

It became such a people pleasing tendency in which I allowed myself to believe that what others thought of me was fact and that if someone “cared enough” to tell me I didn’t look good in something then I should immediately change myself in order to be liked again.

Wild how that happens isn’t it? Limiting beliefs are so dangerous because they disguise themselves as something light or seemingly meaningless when in reality they have a deep and dramatic hold over your life. Something as simple as color for me was actually a reflection of my own sense of self worth which was incredibly low and dependent on that which was outside of me.

It’s really only been this last year and a half that I have been seeing the depths of this in my own healing process and beginning to extract the copious amount of water and allow the colors to shine in all their glory and boldness.

And now I am more me than I believe I have ever been in my life!

I use colorful filters because they reflect what I feel on the inside. I like contrast because it’s such a beautiful representation of the juxtaposition of the human experience. I dance with my whole body because anything less just won’t do. I sing, emotions infused into every tone and lyric because I believe that full spectrum feeling can only lead to full spectrum healing. I paint with texture and wild colors because life is bumpy and messy and colorful and it’s all so much more beautiful because of it. I laugh loudly, uncaring what anyone else might think simply because laughing in pure joy brings me more joy. I wear wild and sexy outfits and tons of jewelry because I believe that outward adornment is just an embodied expression of what is already on the inside. It’s like seeing ME from the inside out but from the outside in. I cry without apology because it’s ok to be sad, to be in pain, to be in grief. I pray with utter conviction because no matter how outrageous my requests may seem to some — I KNOW that anything is possible and I have faith in goodness and abundance. I eat intuitively and I eat all kinds of foods because variety is the spice of life and i trust my body to tell me what it needs. I eat foods that are like me — colorful, delicious, juicy, spicy, sweet, nourishing. I speak with consciousness and conviction because I know that my words carry immense power and cast spells over my existence. I create intuitively because I know that trying to control things and force things to be what they aren’t, just isn’t the kind of life I want to live. I tell my stories in passionate tones and animated expressions because lived-in experience is my greatest teacher and I am determined to learn and to teach what I have learned. I posture my body in the position of ágape — wide open, because this physical posturing invites all other aspects of my being to also open. I live wide because living any other way just feels unnatural. I love deeply because I just don’t know how to do surface area anymore and I wouldn’t want surface anyways. I pray and praise with every facet and dimension of me, from my words, to my songs, to my movements, to my breath, I pray, I praise. I live liberated because I have freed myself from the shackles that once bound me and I will never go back. I show skin because I know my body is innately holy and no one can tell me otherwise nor make me believe otherwise. I am who I am and for the first time in my life — I LOVE who I am. I love me wide, and deep, and colorful, and vibrant. I love me abundantly -- and I love that for me!