Let's talk about Sexual Harassment and Assault

Hi beloved saints! Welcome to this very important post that is brought to you by myself and all the beautiful souls who participated in the anonymous survey that I did on The Sultry Saint IG.

**disclaimer (trigger warning): this post may be a trigger for anyone who has ever experienced or is currently experiencing sexual trauma and abuse. This is an informative post of both sexual harassment and assault as well as a personal account of my own experience and an anonymous accounting of the stories of 21 other people. If at any time reading this becomes too much to handle I encourage you to stop and ask yourself some loving questions and or reach out to myself, a loved one, or a professional to help you work through whatever may come up. I hope this will be a safe space for you to feel seen, heard, and held. I hope this will be a healing read for you. ❤

It was such an in interesting process to go through all the results of the survey and witness all you anonymous beauties in your stories of sexual harassment and assault! Before we get into the survey and the results I first want to share a few preliminary things. This will be the outlay of this blog post:

1. The definition of sexual harassment

2. The definition of sexual assault

3. The definition of consent

4. A glimpse into my own experience on the topic

5. What lead to the survey and this post

6. The purpose of the survey and what it is

7. The survey questions and tallied results

8. My thoughts on the results and what I've learned from this project

It would be best read through the whole post, however I understand if you're on a time crunch and just wanting to get to the survey results which is why I will number each section as I have above and you can feel free to scroll to the juicy bits you're interested in 💋

Let's get started!

1. The definition of Sexual Harassment : "uninvited and unwelcome verbal or physical behavior of a sexual nature..." -Webster

I feel like this is a very clear definition that describes it in an easy to understand manner and if you're at all like me, a few examples are always helpful!😉 So, a couple examples of "uninvited and unwelcome verbal" advances are things like: what you feel are inappropriate comments in regards to your body, someone describing sexual scenarios with you that were unsolicited and make you uncomfortable, being cyber stoked and spammed with messages and comments on your social media accounts, being sent or shown unsolicited nudes and or porn of any kind, being threatened and or coerced and so on.

Some examples of "uninvited and unwelcome... physical behavior(s)" are: sexual gesturing towards you in any way that you are not comfortable with, sexual propositions aka solicitation of sexual favors for an exchange of some kind, leering, being followed around, your personal space being crowded and so on.

**Side note that is IMPORTANT AF: This definition may vary a bit for each person. What may be inappropriate to you may not be viewed the same way by everyone. However this does not mean that your boundaries are invalid. Communicating to the other person what is appropriate for you and what is not is incredibly important. If you tell someone they are making you uncomfortable with their comments and they continue whether or not they share you definition of harassment, crossing your boundaries is never ok. The crossing of those boundaries is when it becomes harassment. Your sacred yeses and your sacred no's are valid and powerful and should always be respected.

2. Definition of Sexual Assault: "Illegal sexual contact that usually involves force upon a person without consent or is inflicted upon a person who is incapable of giving consent..." -Webster

Assault is different from harassment in the sense that it involves a physicality that harassment doesn't necessarily have in every situation. Assault is the physical act of a sexual act being forced upon an unwilling party. Examples of these very in severity however -- none of it is ok! Some examples of less severe instances of sexual assault are things like: being groped in passing, someone slapping your ass, someone rubbing their genitals and or other body parts against yours, being grabbed in an attempt to keep you in place for their agenda, a surprise kiss anywhere on your person and so on. The more severe examples of sexual assault are things like: being pinned against a hard surface or bound in any way so the assailant can force sexual acts against their victim, being forced into a violent kiss, having your private parts touched in any way, being forced to perform sexual favors for the abuser, being slapped, hit, punched, kicked into submission, forced oral sex, penetrative sex of any kind (vaginal, anal) aka rape.

It was a little hard to write some of those examples as they are descriptive and painful to think about. Take a moment to check in with yourself and see how you are doing. Take a breath and decide whether or not its best for you in this moment to continue reading.

If you are still here, let's continue. Now obviously the "less severe" examples stated are not in the least any less of a sexual assault. I only used those as examples as "less severe" because many of the men and women I have spoken to on this topic didn't realize that those actions indeed are assault. They thought rape and rape alone was the definition of sexual assault when in fact that is not at all the case! So I wanted to highlight those things as well as the things everyone knows as assault. No assault, no matter it's scale of severity, is in any way acceptable nor is it any less valid than that of another experience. None of the things stated are ok!

3. The definition of consent: "compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another" -Webster

AKA both parties granting permission before an act is done. The "both parties" part is a extremely important. If the act involves more than one person, all the people involved must give explicit permission (consent) before proceeding. If one or more person does not give consent for a physical/sexual act that is when it becomes sexual assault.

4. My experience on the topics of sexual harassment and assault:

This is the part where I share a bit of my story in regards to this topic. This is a very hard topic to be vulnerable about and share a bit more publicly. so I ask that you please read this with discretion and respect. This is a judgment free zone that is meant to be a safe space for vulnerability. That being said, I am a survivor of child molestation and being forced and cohered into performing sexual acts. In addition to that I am also consistently subjected to sexual harassment and cyber sexual harassment with boundaries being crossed, being disrespected and dehumanized. I was incredibly blessed to have had to attend government mandated counseling as a child. I 100% believe that those years of counseling helped me exponentially to heal and to realize that none of it was my fault. To this day I am still healing from those traumas and some days I still very much feel the weight of the things I had been forced to do. The guilt of my actions is still a very painful part of my story that I have to continuously confront and alchemize.

5. What lead to the survey :

In doing my own inner work to witness my story, heal and alchemize I realized that there is no way I am alone in my story. I was experiencing a lot of cyber sexual harassment and I wanted to find a way to share about that in a loving and educational way. In a way that could raise awareness and also unite people through their stories with many parallels. I wanted to create a container that was safe for people to share in and potentially address this topic and their own stories for the first time. I did a public pole on my IG stories asking of this was a topic you would be interested in seeing a post on and if it was a project you actively wanted to participate in. For the 21 of you who have participated, i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

6. What was the survey and what was the purpose of it?

It was a 23 question survey with 21 "yes" or "no" questions and 2 multiple choice questions. The purpose was to ask questions on the topic of sexual harassment / assault that would provoke some reflection of our own stories as well as those of others. The purpose of the survey and this post is to raise awareness on the topic and consider ways in which we as individuals can assist in solving this very real problem. Considering when we have been subject to harassment and abuse and when we have either perpetuated that harassment and or assault through staying silent and complacent or when we have actually been the harasser and or abuser.

7. Survey questions and tallied results:

(results out of 21)

questions : total

1.Have you ever been sexually harassed? YES - 20 NO - 1

2.Have you ever been sexually assaulted? YES - 18 NO - 3

3.Has anyone you know been sexually YES - 21 NO -0

harassed and or assaulted?

4.Have you ever been cyber sexually YES - 16 NO - 5

harassed?

5.Have you ever been fearful that a sexual YES - 13 NO - 8

harassment experience may escalate to

an actual physical assault?

6.Has anyone ever belittled your sexual YES - 15 NO - 6

harassment / assault experience by not

believing your story?

7.Has anyone ever convinced you that it YES - 11 NO - 10

wasn't sexual harassment or assault but

that it was a compliment or love?

8.After a sexual assault or harassment YES - 8 NO - 13

encounter, have you ever been threatened

into silence?

9.Have you ever felt like the harassment / YES - 16 NO - 5

assault was your fault?

10.Has anyone ever actually told you that YES - 9 NO - 12

it was your fault?

11.Have you ever been in a social setting YES - 8 NO - 13

when the harassment and or assault took

place and no one helped you?

12.Have you ever been in a sexually abusive YES - 6 NO - 15

relationship?

13.Does the trauma of your abuse affect YES - 17 NO - 4

your relationships?

14.Have you ever been told to keep quiet about YES - 4 N0 - 17

you sexual harassment / abuse story by a

woman you confided in?

15.Did you stop telling your story after someone YES - 6 NO - 15

didn't believe you?

16.Have you ever shared your story on YES - 15 N0 - 6

this topic?

17.Have you ever had an encounter and YES - 2O NO - 1

only realized later that it indeed was

harassment and or assault?

18.Have you ever been afraid of standing YES - 13 NO - 8

up for your sexual sovereignty for fear

of more intense abuse? 19.Is this topic a trigger for you? YES - 10 NO - 11

20.Have you ever received professional YES - 9 N0 - 12

help to work through sexual traumas and triggers?

21.Are you currently in a relationship that YES - 0 NO - 21

makes you feel unsafe sexually?

22.How many of the people who harassed >5 - 9 >10 - 1 <10 - 3 OTHER - 7

and or assaulted you were complete strangers?

23.How many of the people who sexually NO - 4 >5 - 11 >10 - 4 <10 - 2

harassed and or assaulted you were people

you trusted and were supposed to be safe with?

8. My thoughts on the results and what I've learned from this project :

Wow! Honestly I think that the results speak for themselves! The majority of individuals who have had to deal with sexual harassment is high. This is a very small study obviously but still - 20 of the 21 people who filled out the survey responded YES to having been sexually harassed. And close behind that is the large number of individuals who have been sexually assaulted. 18 out of the 21 people who filled out this survey responded YES to having been sexually assaulted. To be completely honest I 100% expected the harassment number to be high, however, I did not anticipate the assault number to be as high as it is. A major reason why I did this survey was to learn some of the stories of my community in a safe container, another was to raise awareness to the commonality of similar stories in the high numbers of having been harassed and or assaulted. I fully expected most of these answers to be largely a YES and now that has been proven to be true.

As much as I wish it wasn't the case, it's things like this that can open our eyes and raise awareness so that we may have more of the information we need to be a part of the solution rather than to perpetuate the trauma. I honestly think most people don't realize the extent of their own stories in regards to this let alone realize how parallel the stories of others may be to their own. As I mentioned before, one of the things that brought on this project was the thought that I couldn't be alone in this story even though so often I felt like I was. This project tells me and hopefully you, that you are not alone in this. There are other people struggling and working through these traumas just like you and me. I hope this can be a space of healing for you and I hope this first step will encourage you to talk to someone trusted about this if that's something you feel may be your next step to healing.

To the outliers of this project who's answers were largely NO -- I hope that this project was able to serve as an eye opener to the stories of others that may differ from your own. Every single person is battling silent battles and harboring deep traumas that no one else knows about. This project is geared toward a specific trauma but at the end of the day just because this may not being a trauma you carry does not make smaller the trauma that you do. Projects like these are meant to be informative and to inspire some self reflection so that we may become more aware of our own hurts and therefore we can better understand the hurts of others. The more we all take time to talk about these difficult topics and to reflect and ask questions the more space we create for inviting in knowledge, wisdom, and healing.

Goodness and Abundance Saints 💋